When you were about to take your 'O's, we talked about what you were going to choose as your next path. 

When you completed your 'O's, I was struggling with my own life.

When you got your results, I started my new life.

When you made your initial decision, I was happy that you understood where I was coming from. 

When you succumbed to pressure, I didn't feel that there was anything left to say.

I shall name you outright here, since nobody will see this anyway. 

Irene, I have to say, I told you so.

I have no idea why, but people have trouble understanding the pressure and my perspective of life during my time at JJ. Everybody says 'such a waste, just press on, its only 6 more months'.

What they don't understand was life was hell for me, everyday was spent thinking I'm better off dead. My ah po passed away, my only comfort was 'I will be joining her soon'. The sooner the better. 

I realised that people do not know to what extent of hell it was, here's a summary then. 

I was in the top class for Biology, a scholar class. My class 06S01 was segregated initially, but things finally clicked, and we were able to survive with each other's support. Being crammed in that small space from 7.20am to 5pm almost daily, I guess we had no choice. Our class was reponsible for organising tea sessions for all scholars and exchange students, we also had to attend enrichment workshops for public speaking etc. While managing our own schoolwork.

I felt like a brainless idiot with them. They were able to grasp the concept of everything after just listening once, while I was left struggling to catch up weeks after. Things started piling up, there wasn't enough time to watch tv or even sleep. I was soon several weeks behind everybody else. I started feeling thoroughly depressed and demoralized after being blasted by tutors day after day, week after week. I wanted to give up. But I had no where to go. JC is a make or break stepping stone; if you manage to survive, the honor of a degree is yours to take. But if you don't... then what? Some issues arose, my Maths tutor, Mr Chu, started playing mind games with us for criticising him our our private blogs. Until today, we don't know how he managed to find our blog URLs. Links led him to the entire class' blogs, and things turned ugly. He deliberately sped up his teaching to make us struggle even more, and increased the rate of his blasting sessions. He was the master of sarcasm, with the ability to make us feel like worthless idiots who didn't deserve to be in JC. I hated him with all my strength. Dreaded maths tutorials like torture. I just did not understand the argument of Z, nor differentiation to the third degree, or cumulative binomial at all. 

Because we were a scholar class, we had to take H2 contrasting subject: Economics. I failed constantly, and my tutor treated me like pariah. Interestingly enough, I topped both Micro and Macro Economics last year in NP. 

Biology: a mass of memorizing nightmares. SPA report writing was hell, 5 different procedures, 5 different sets of safety precautions. We were told to memorize everything. I never passed a test before. 

Chemistry was a constant bane of my life. Alkenes alkanes, radical electrons. I wanted to die. I could see myself getting a job and getting on with life; marriage, kids. But I couldn't see myself getting there. The process was a blur of uncertainty to me. I tried to die. 

I bailed after 1 year and 5 months of JC. The principal ordered me to talk to the school counsellor. A fact I forgot to mention; we had some intra-class drama sometime during year 1, and our class became regular patrons of the counselling office. Mr Wu the Counsellor became our Uncle Steven. I happily trotted to his office and chatted with him, we did not discuss the possibility of staying on in JJ, Uncle Steven had witnessed enough of my misery to understand that. He handed me some brochures for other avenues of study instead, and gave me more ideas to think about. I am extremely grateful to Uncle Steven, I think 06S01 owes him very much. 

Bittersweet memories, there were happy moments. Where we would all buy MiFen La (spicy fried beehoon), and wait for everybody to be seated at the canteen before starting our meal together. Chatting in the canteen, in our Civics class. Camps where I saw secondary school delinquents change in 3 days. Kim is in Australia now, my Emzilla in US. Yan is at NYP doing a diploma/degree course. Our class geniuses Jacob, Miao Si, Hwee Ting and Zhi Ming. NS and NUS. Haha. Wan Yi, my very best and closest friend, Slyvia my companion. Everybody was there for me during these hard times, and I cried alot before leaving. Gawd I feel like crying NOW. 

Bottom line is, everybody has gone their seperate ways. So have I. 

I have the desire to live again, an aim in life. 

I just read your post, 'life is like living hell for me'. Now do you finally understand?

I stumbled into a hole, but I managed to climb out. Somehow, I forsee you rotting in that same hole. 

6:35 AM